By Jeannine Lee
In these two articles: Common Questions of the Person Not Wanting to Divorce and
Common Questions of the Person Who Wants to Divorce I shared the very different questions the two people involved in a divorce will have. But what about those outside of your immediate circle like Grandparents? Divorce affects your larger family system. But first, the children. They have their own questions.
Parents tend to think that if they (parents) are ok, the kids will be, too. They may also be so wrapped up in all that divorce entails that they are unaware that children have their own questions. The children are at the mercy of the parents’ experience. They may feel like a passenger in a speeding car with no driver. They have no control and are subject to wherever the ride takes them. This can be very disconcerting. Special care is needed.
Not every child will ask all of these questions and older children may ask different questions, but these are common questions.
- Will I still get to see my Dad/Mom as much as I do now?
- Can we still have Christmas/holidays together?
- Do my Mom and Dad hate each other now?
- Can I still love them both?
- What if we have to move?
- Will I be able to keep my same friends?
- Can I still play soccer/be in the band/be in the math club?
- How can I help my Mom not cry so much?
- How can I help my Dad not be so angry at my Mom?
- Is this my fault?
Grandparents are kind of in the same boat as the children. They have little say in how things gone and are at the mercy of their children and in-law children when it comes to time with the grandchildren.
- Will I still be able to see my grandkids?
- What if they move far away from me?
- What if seeing or not seeing my grandkids becomes a weapon between my child and his or her spouse?
- Will I be expected to babysit all the time now?
- How can I help without meddling?
- How can I protect my relationship with both my child and my in-law child?
- How can I best help my grandkids?
There are no easy or “right” answers to any of these questions. They all have to be worked through as the physical/tangible divorce unfolds. But now you can see that your questions are not unusual and not yours alone. You are not an outcast or doing anything “wrong.” Divorce is tough on everyone. Be gentle with yourself and the whole system as much as you can as you all figure it out.
